I’m a big girl; fat even… depending on your definition of fat, I guess. I’m 5’6″ and…yeah well, lets not get into how many pounds- it doesn’t matter, but let’s just say I am indeed over weight for my height and age (24). This is nothing new to me, I’ve been over weight since I was about 9 years old (for those who don’t want to do math, that’s over 15 years); and since the tender age of 9 I have been picked on, teased, harassing, bullied, made fun of..etc etc etc for the way I look. To top it all off I’m blonde with acne for the past 11 years, so let’s just say there was never a shortage of appearance jokes. The blonde jokes never bothered me, the acne ones did until recently when I’ve accepted the fact that there is nothing I can do to make it go away so, it is what it is. But the weight jokes..those ones stung..or should I say, sting. The worst of them came from my father who is extremely over weight (by over 200 lbs). He would say things like “you would be so much prettier if you just lost that weight”, “you’ll never find a husband if you don’t get your weight down”, “men want a small, womanly figure”, “you’re going to look just like me”, “it’s ok dear, you just have the fat gene”..and on really bad days “you’re a useless fat cunt”. Ouch. He still says things like that and over time it’s gotten easier to hear them because I just ignore him and leave… mostly because I know he’s wrong. But I didn’t always know that, it took a lot of years to realize he was wrong.
I had boyfriends here and there, some of them were more boy and less friend..if you know what I mean. I digress. Most of them didn’t say anything about my weight until we broke up, then came the slurs “you’re a fat bitch”, I’m sorry, wasn’t it you who broke up with me? Whatever. The worst was when I was 19 and I dated an emotionally abusive man, lets call him G. G would make fun of me all the time about my weight, my acne, the fact that my teeth weren’t perfectly straight…then he would buy me something pretty and tell me loved me, and I believed him. I know now this is very typical of abusers and I no longer tolerate it.
This abuse piled on top of what my dad would say to me really put me over the edge and I constantly wanted to kill myself, I even went on antidepressants.
Then came by bar hopping days, I think my choice of friend to do this with maybe wasn’t the best. She was a great girl and it wasn’t her fault but she was about 5’3″, pretty and a double zero, you want tiny? she was about as tiny as you could get. and there was me beside her…I felt like a sparkling whale. I was the wing mans girl. The take-one-for-the-team girl. The second option girl. The girl who, after I went with my friend to a randoms house, got told to just “Take a seat on the couch” because him and my friend would be back in a bit. The big, fat third wheel. I smiled through it but I died inside every time, and to take away the pain I drank. I drank on thursdays, fridays, saturdays, the occasional sunday and sometimes during the week when no one was looking. The only damage the drinking ever did to me was a big loss of money- luckily.
As a fat girl I’ve had my fair share of embarrassment about it, some I choose to forget and some I’ll never forget. One experience I’ll never forget is when I decided I was going to be a paramedic, so I went to school, became and EMR and then applied to Paramedic school, finally got accepted and had to do my physicality testing…I busted my ass for that test. I passed everything except one thing, but it wasn’t a big deal, I could still go to school. Well, for school we all had to wear uniforms..a group of people sizing you in a room with other people, having you try on clothes to find one that fit…I tried on the biggest size of girls pants they had and they were too small…then I had to go to mens pants. I was the only female who had to go to male sizes (they all looked the same but that’s not the point). I finally found one that I could do up, they were so tight it hurt when I sit but I couldn’t bare to tell them for the 5th time that they were too small. I was humiliated, even if they didn’t seem to mind, that didn’t matter. I went home and cried and only ate salad for a while after that.
Years pass and I still struggle with my weight, my dad still reminds me how pretty I’d look if only I were skinny like my brother and that I should lose weight to increase my chances of finding a husband. One shitty relationship after another, all of which I blame on my weight when they end. All of which ended officially when I ate another pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
All of that ended 2 months before my 23rd birthday. I met the man of my dreams, my, now, fiancé. He is the sweetest man I’ve ever met. Ever. He knows all about my tarnished past and loves me anyway. He reminds me every single day how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am and that he loves me and my body the way they are. I don’t say this to run it in the face of any single girls out there, I say this to tell you not to give up. Keep trying. Keep looking. Your prince, or princess, charming is out there! I know sometimes it seems hard and you’ll never find that special person, trust me I know, I’ve been there over and over again but if you really want it..you’ll find it! I promise you.
My dad was wrong about me, I am pretty the way I am. I found a man who loves me and my figure. It took me a lot of years to figure out he was wrong, but now that I’ve come to accept it I’m happier for it.
So for all you girls out there who think you can’t go another day taking abuse from parents, lovers, yourself…you can do it, but why would you want to? If someone can’t love you for who you are- cut them out of your life, yes, even if it’s a parent or family member. You DO NOT need that in your life. Cut them out and focus on learning to love yourself the way you. You ARE beautiful the way you are, at every shape and size.
If you’re having a rough day and need someone to talk to about your experiences please send me a message or a comment and I’ll do my best to talk it out with you.
xoxo
lifelovecrazinessandlaughter 
Recent Comments